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In which I should probably be doing something else more productive so I'll make this brief.
First off you guys have no idea how much I appreciate the comments and I always read them, it's just sometimes I can't comment, but they really sit in my heart so if you see me on your blog or I reply to your facebook status it means that I love and appreciate you and thank you. It's just that now is really hard, you know?

I've found in my life that either nothing happens, or terrible things happen and I'm getting really tired of it.

There's this song that goes "Monday, we held it together and, Wednesday we had stormy weather and, Friday we prayed it all better and, Sunday..." and it kind of trails off and I guess that's what it likes. It just keeps happening.

The bridge is "Prayer still works" and while I believe that, I'm tired of needing it. Which sounds heinous, I know. But prayer should be a time to give thanks to God and to appreciate Him and the things He's done for you, not to beg yourself out of the same situation you keep throwing yourself into over and over.

They say the bloodwork for my brother is inconclusive but the bone work says it's definitely cancer and my niece made the mistake of telling me that this may have been the news that my sister got because my sister is dead and now I'm thinking that if my brother dies my heart will officially freeze over and break into a million pieces and is that the plan for my life? To just die? Are we the children of Israel that sinned and can't live to see the promise land? What injustice did my family commit that everyone in it or associated with it suffers some sort of debilitating loss?

And if he lives, then maybe it will be okay. And this is what my life has been. Level 10 freakouts followed by hours of numbness, a cool down, a reconciliation, and maybe a bit of joking in between to mask my mood.

It'll be fine.

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January 2014

Lilu Dallas Multipass
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